Adventures in a Lifetime

Last week my daughter came to me to tell me about a female student at her school who was cursing at her, threatening to beat her up over the student's ex-boyfriend. According to Jenn, this student was angry with her, accusing her of being the reason for the break-up of their relationship. Did Jenn know the young man? Sure. They are fellow marching band students and friends. Was she friends with the female student? No. She knew of her, and knew that her friend was "going out" with her, but had nothing to do with the ending of their relationship. Let's face it, at this age, young men and women alike change their feelings about who and what they like quite often.

I don't know how many of your remember high school, but most of the teenagers I knew would "go out", "go steady", or "date" on a monthly, weekly, or even daily basis. It's that time of your life when liking someone of the opposite sex is ever changing in an effort to learn more about what you like and are looking for in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. The only thing that made a break-up of a relationship more difficult then, and I suspect it still does today, is when physical intimacy is introduced into the relationship. As adults we understand what that means for a relationship if it is entered into before the timing is right. I am sure it is more difficult for teenagers.

Still, if the connection didn't work out between the two, then either one or both of your might have been heartsick for a time, but normally got over it and moved on. So what has changed? How are things different today than even 10 years ago? Why are female students more aggressive than ever before, to the point of bullying other female students? Where are the these students learning to disrespect each other in this manner?

Today, teens have added to the normal face-to-face communications, technological means for staying in touch with each other. In and of themselves these avenues are not bad, but often lack the personal touch that is required to really connect with the other person. I'm talking about text messaging, instant messaging, blogs, and comments shared on the Internet on a open forum like FaceBook, MySpace, and Xanga, and even email accounts. All of these means of communication allow teens to share information and photos with their peers both publicly and privately. Sometimes students will lash out or be disrespectful to other students they don't even know, or make threats to others, resulting in what is known as cyber-bullying.

Anyway, Jenn and I talked about her situation and I suggested she talk to an administrator at school in order to get to the bottom of the situation and nip it in the bud. Well, she let it slide for a few days and by weeks end this student had bragged to another student about her plans to kill and dispose of my daughter. Then last night this student sent Jenn a message asking her why she was being so rude to her by not accepting her invitation to be friends online. Jenn told her she had no interest in having a relationship of any sorts, and asked that she stop threatening her. After a couple more disrespectful comments made Jenn signed off her account, and headed to my brother's house to talk to them as I was at work. She was really upset, but they managed to calm her fears, and comfort her.

When I arrived home Jenn was still awake so we talked about the entire situation. Then today, I went to the high school to talk with administrators and to find out what could be done about the threat and bullying. They spoke with both girls over the course of the afternoon, and though the other student admitted to what she had said and done, there are legal matters to consider now. This isn't like life was 40 years ago, when someone would threaten to "kick" someone's butt, you'd stand up to them or ignore them, and then it would blow over. There were the time where it didn't blow over and you either laid low or had a black eye, bruised ego, or both. Most of the time it was between the male students and not so much the females.

What is the most likely way of resolving this situation? We have in place a system know as "Teen Court" in our area which is utilized by the school systems to resolve such conflicts. The court is solely made up of high school students who serve as Judge, Court Reporter, and Bailiff (you get the idea). This court system is in place to hold accountable students who break the law but are not old enough to be charged by the law as an adult, most are first time offenders. In the "Teen Court" setting, students are afforded a trial, and their peers get to decide if they are guilty or not, then determine their sentence which consists of community services, and an opportunity to be a juror in a future case. Community service allows the student to give back to the community in a positive way.

The "Teen Court" has been very successful in straightening out first time offenders, and has earned the respect of many of the area teens and community leaders. What happens next is up to the parents, school administrators, and both students involved in this case. My hope is that by getting involved, and by standing her ground, Jenn will have learned that she is a stronger person. As for the other student my hoe is that she realizes it doesn't benefit her lash out with anger, or to hold on to someone who has moved on. Hopefully she will realize in time that the right person for her, will be there for her, when she has grown and is ready for that type of relationship. High school relationships come and go, friends come and go, but being yourself, and being true to what is right will help you succeed in life beyond your senior year.